Previously, on Once Upon A Time only lasts 15 seconds and mostly focuses on Rumplestiltskin (Robert Carlyle). Okay then. Speaking of Rumple, he uses magical magic to light a very large fire which he then stands in front of, casting his shadow on a rocky wall. Rumple and his shadow dance for a while (no, seriously) and then he freezes his shadow while he keeps moving, pulling out his magical dagger and cutting his shadow away from his feet. It looks painful. Rumple's newly freed shadow looks a lot like Peter Pan's shadow only it's wearing a dress. Rumple gives it his dagger and tells the shadow to hide it where no one can find it - not even Rumple himself.
I'm still laughing because the shadow is wearing a dress.
Title flash, and it's a sword in a stone. Ooh, King Arthur? I hope so! We've already had Lancelot. Anyway, back to Neverland. Charming's (Josh Dallas) sword doubles as a machete and he's using it to hack his way through the jungle. Hook (Colin O'Donoghue) is taking them somewhere, since he's the only one who knows the island. Unfortunately this means they have to walk, instead of letting Regina (Lana Parrilla) poof (technical term) them around. Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin) passes Emma (Jennifer Morrison) some water. She doesn't want Emma calling her 'Mary Margaret' anymore. I don't want anyone calling her Mary Margaret anymore. Why wouldn't they revert back to their real names after the curse was broken? Emma does not want to call her 'mum'. Or 'mom'. Probably because they're the same age and it's creepy.
Charming is about to hack through a thorny bush when Hook stops him. He explains that the thorns in question are filled with an incredibly deadly poison - similar to the poison he used to try and kill Rumplestiltskin with before. He points to an alternative route around the thorns but because Charming's an idiot (or he thinks that manly men don't flee from thorns) he decides to march straight past them. Oh how sensible. You've shaved three seconds off your journey at the risk of certain death. Luckily no one gets stabbed (yet) and Hook and Emma have a brief discussion about fictional versions of Neverland. They flirt. I ship those two (better than Emma and Neal) so I approve.
Having reached the top of the cliff, Hook realises that the Dark Jungle (said as though it needs capitals) has grown and he's kinda lost. Oops. Also the Dark Jungle is sinister and evil so they'll have to walk around it. That's gonna take a while, so he suggests they sleep. Regina doesn't want to, because her son is out there somewhere. Emma agrees. Hook persuades them and then Snow and Emma stand on the cliff looking concerned. Snow says that it's never too late and suddenly we're transported into the past.
He-ey, I remember this!
Reusing a cut-down version of the scene from the first season, we once again see Charming charging to the rescue while Snow is in her glass coffin. It makes me remember how awesome Season 1 was and how bad this is compared to it. Ugh. I mean this season is still in early days, but Season 2? Yeuch. Anyway, after Charming wakes Snow, we see the Magic Mirror running to inform Regina of the news. Well... someone else is running while carrying him. Anyway, Regina pervs for a while on their post-proposal make-out session (I hope she doesn't do that after their wedding) and sees them vow to take back the kingdom. Yeah, she's not going to let that happen easily.
Snow is standing on top of a cart giving a speech to a random crowd of villagers and seven dwarves. Her speech mostly consists of reminding everyone how annoying Regina is and how they all want to take her down. Hm. Also her wig is really screwed up. All of the villagers are too wussy to want to fight, and then Regina herself shows up. Handy, that teleporting thing. She warns Snow that she will kill everyone unless Snow gives up her claim to the throne and the crown and whatever else comes with queenhood. Fancy dresses. Regina will kill one person a day until Snow swears on her father's grave that she won't try to be queen. Okay then.
Everyone is asleep, except then Emma wakes up because someone in the forest is making weird 'waily-waily' noises. No, seriously. There's like a crowd of invisible children crying nearby. Emma gets up and tries to wake her parents, but they must be heavy sleepers of something. She wanders around a little bit with her sword before a boy hops out from behind a tree. It's Peter Pan! The real version, this time, not his shadow. He wonders why the others can't hear the children crying. Emma thinks about skewering him with her sword, but decides not to, because she's a nice girl. She asks Peter what he wants with Henry. He sidles around the question and offers Emma a map that will lead her straight to her son. Also it's not about finding Henry, it's about how she finds him. Oh, and she's the only one who can. She takes the map, filled with hope... but wait! The map is blank.
Well this is disappointing.
Peter gleefully tells her that she'll only be able to read the map when she stops denying her true self, and then he disappears. Poof (technical term). You know, I never got that thing where people say they don't know who they really are, or whatever. You are you. That's it. If you are someone who feels like you don't know what you are, that's also who you are. You cannot be something and not know about it. Unless you have amnesia.
Everyone else has (finally) woken up, and they're discussing the map. People, take your guesses about what each individual character is doing. Are you ready? If you guessed that; Regina wants to use magic and everyone disagrees with her, you were correct. If you guessed that; Emma has no clue what is going on, you are correct. If you guessed that; Charming and Hook are arguing again, you are also correct! If you guessed that; Snow is being supportive towards Emma, you are correct, but you don't get a prize. Even a kindergarten student could have guessed that.
Back in the Fairytale Land That Was, Snow, Charming and the dwarves are holding a council of war. Snow wants to leave the kingdom. Charming wants to fight the Queen even though it will mean certain death. Snow is kinda not so impressed with that idea. (Charming and his risk-taking. Honestly.) Snow's having an existential crisis, because she doesn't know who Snow White is. Also there's a random deer walking along in the background of the shot. She decides to leave the kingdom, and that's the end of it.
Charming isn't so keen on the kingdom leaving idea, so the dwarves confront him and ask if he's doing this to get Snow's crown. Charming says no, but the dwarves aren't convinced. Neither am I, honestly. He's acting suspiciously. Charming needs to change Snow's mind but the dwarves won't help him. Solution! He decides to go see Rumplestiltskin. Seriously?!
Speaking of Rumple, we're back on Neverland with him and his doll.
It's a creepy faceless doll.
Rumple looks up, hearing a noise, and wanders towards it, leaving his creepy faceless doll on the rock. Suddenly, a hooded figure snatches the doll and starts running off. Very slowly. Rumple explains that it's not their doll (come on, Rumple, sharing is caring!) and catches up to them easily. The hooded person turns around and their hood falls off. It's Belle! (Or actually, it's Not-Belle, because I'm pretty sure she doesn't have enough magical teleporting powers to show up here.) They have a really weird exchange, in which Belle says that Rumple is dressing like the Dark One and Rumple says he needs to become the Dark One again. He sounds very happy about it. Belle sounds happy too as she says that he hasn't completely become the Dark One yet so there's still hope. This is really weird and very out of character. They nearly make out but then Rumple suddenly figures out that she's not really here. Dude, finally. Belle says she's still in Storybrooke and everyone is fine. Rumplestiltskin thinks about it, and then goes to strangle her in case she's a vision from Pan. She's not from Pan, she's from Rumple's own mind! Silly. But why is he hallucinating her? Um, because he's lonely? Okay, no. There's probably a far more mysterious reason. They're not going to reveal it right now. That's how mysterious it is. Wow.
Meanwhile, Fairytale Rumplestiltskin from long, long ago is explaining to Charming that he doesn't have anything. Charming wants a potion to make Snow believe that she can beat Regina. Rumple is like 'eh, nope' but Charming is convinced he has something. He won't take no for an answer. When he rides back to the camp, Snow is shooting arrows at a bag. And missing. A lot. Charming talks her into riding to find a weapon with him and helps her aim so that she hits the target. Um, can I just say that he's really seriously annoying right now? Ugh.
We're switching back and forth very fast in this episode. Emma is sitting on a rock talking to a map while surrounded by people. If I had to pour out my definition of myself to a map, I wouldn't want a bunch of weird pirates, fairytale princes and princesses and evil queens listening in. Emma's cool with it, though. She tells the map her name. Oh bravo, Emma! That really sums you up. In two words. Nice. The others encourage her to be a little bit more... forthcoming. She tries again, but she sounds like she's reading off an internet character sheet. (No, really. Go and look up 'Emma Swan Once Upon A Time Wiki' and I bet the entry there is a lot like what she's reading now.) The problem seems to be that Emma refuses to think of herself as the saviour. Her parents are irritatingly embarrassing as they try to encourage her. She needs to remind them how old she is. Finally, she says that she's the saviour and with a dramatic swell of music, the map... stays blank. Oops.
This is ridiculous.
Regina's finally fed up of all the dilly-dallying and enchants the map with a locator spell to find Pan, even though everyone thinks it's a bad idea. It seems to work, in spite of all the doubt from the others. I'm starting to think Regina is the most helpful person on this island. I hated her a lot (a lot) in the first season, but she's become so useful and sensible lately - and all of the bratty attitudes towards her are really getting on my nerves. Particularly from Henry. Anyway, the map floats off towards the Dark Jungle, so it looks like they'll be heading in there after all. Oh joy.
Rumple and his creepy hallucinatory girlfriend wander through the jungle and out onto a cliff. It looks markedly similar to the cliff that Henry and Peter Pan jumped from last episode. Suddenly, the CGI gets really bad and they look like their feet are floating. Awkward. A brief conversation (okay, it's a pretty poor conversation at first. More of a preschool argument, really) ensues, and eventually Rumple says that he's a coward and he's afraid he'll make the selfish choice and leave Henry here to... what? Die? Who knows. Belle points out how much he regretted abandoning Baelfire (Neal) and says he shouldn't do the same to Henry. She tells him that letting go of the past is the first step and hands him the creepy faceless doll as he muses for a while. Finally, we learn what the doll means. It was the last thing that Rumplestiltskin's father gave him - before he left. Daddy Issues: creating strippers and supervillains since 1984. Belle (and her excessive amounts of lipstick) tells Rumple he needs to let go and then wanders back into the jungle. Rumple tosses the doll off the cliff.
The map continues to float through the Dark Jungle, with everyone following it. Emma has finally realised that Regina is awesome. As the map comes to a halt, Regina says that she can sense Pan's smugness. I like her. Charming whips out his sword and they move forward cautiously. Snow tries to be reassuring again, but by this point it's kind of coming across as clingy.
Back in the past, Snow and Charming are riding through the forest.
Okay, spill. Why are you being such a douche?
Charming mentions that the dwarves have been giving him a hard time. Pfft. Way to dob them in. Snow says that she's sure he'll charm them eventually. Ye-eah, no. Anyway, Charming says that the weapon Rumple told him about is at the top of the hill. It was forged by Merlin - and he parts some bushes to reveal a sword in a stone. Excalibur. Cool. Charming runs over to try and pull it out of the stone. He fails. Uh, I don't mean to alarm you, but you're clearly not the King of England. He encourages Snow to try - because only the true ruler of the kingdom can wield the sword - and sure enough, she wrenches it out of the rock (and nearly skewers her own eye in surprise). Ah. I see what you did there, Charming.
Back in the Dark Jungle, as the guys continue searching for Pan, Snow decides to loudly comment on how there's no one around. Oh, brilliant idea, Snow. They certainly won't hear you coming. Abruptly, Emma spots someone standing at the top of a hill. Someone wearing Henry's coat. She yells his name, but the figure turns around and it's Pan, who has stolen Henry's clothes. Awkward. He has a bit of a rag at Emma and the team for cheating, because that's bad form, and then a hoarde of Lost Boys yelling war cries and brandishing arrows appear at the top of the cliff. Uh oh.
As the battle begins, Hook cheerfully warns everyone that the Lost Boys' arrows are dipped in poison. Great. Naturally, Charming then performs some amazing sword maneuvre in which he knocks arrows out of the sky. He also shoves Snow out of the way and it looks like he got shot, or grazed, by an arrow. He claims he's okay and the fighting continues. Regina, naturally, is the most effective at this. Hook rather foolishly reminds some Lost Boy of what he did to one of his predecessors. Oops. The Lost Boy is pissed. Meanwhile, Emma, instead of joining in the melee, is chasing after Pan. Quick thinking, Emma. She tackles a random Lost Boy with a very large nose and holds her sword at his throat while asking where Henry is. He looks as though he might be wetting his pants, and in the face of his abject terror Emma lowers her sword. Pan calls his Lost Boys off and tells Emma to remember - the map will only lead her to Henry if she accepts her true self or some such nonsense. Then he runs off.
Fairytale Land That Was!
Great. Back to these ridiculous outfits.
Regina has arrived to ask Snow if Snow will be leaving the kingdom. Snow says no. (Okay, she's a bit less concise about it.) Regina promptly begins to throttle Grumpy the dwarf. It would be a hugely intense moment if we didn't know that he's clearly alive in the present. See, sometimes past flashbacks just don't work out. Charming does some more of his annoying talking (he's seriously bugging me in this episode) and Snow rushes Regina with Excalibur. Regina does her poofing trick, but Snow anticipates where she'll appear and manages to slice a sword across her face. All it does is give her a pitiful little cut on the cheek. Um, I think whoever wrote this episode needs to research swords some more. It would probably have cut her nose off, and at the very least shattered her cheekbone. Swords are heavy. They're not just extra long knives. The women trade threats and say that they'll see each other on the battlefield. Metaphorically speaking. Unless they pull a Narnia and have a real battlefield, because that would be awesome.
Neverland again. Charming is obviously fatally wounded, because he refuses to let Snow look at his side and say that he was lucky and his jacket wasn't. Sure. We're all buying into that one. Honestly, at this point I wouldn't really care if Charming or Snow (or both!) was afflicted with a life-threatening illness and laid low for several episodes. They're really frustrating. They wander over to Emma and try to encourage her again. Maybe if they treated her like an adult, she'd find it easier to realise her true self. Or something. Even after Emma tries to leave, Snow follows her and prods some more. Eventually, Emma admits that she let the Lost Boy from earlier go because he reminded her of herself. She talks about her time spent in the foster system and it's actually a really poignant and touching moment from her. Snow is sort of ruining it. She eventually admits that she still feels like an orphan and boom. The map works.
In the Fairytale Land That Was, Snow is tying up some loose ends. She summons Rumple, and says that she wants to pay whatever price Charming owes for the sword. Rumple explains that he didn't give Charming any information, and that everyone knows where Excalibur is - in Camelot. Uh, no, says Snow, she has it here. Rumple dissolves the sword's blade, proving that it is not, in fact, Excalibur, and then steals Snow's necklace because she 'wasted his time'. Meanwhile the dwarves and Charming are just making up when Snow arrives. She's pissed. She confronts Charming, he says he knew her true strength all along and she just needed help realising it, they kiss obnoxiously.
Back in Neverland, the team are puzzling over the map.
I'm telling you, it's simple, guys! X marks the spot! Duh.
The team comes up with... not much of a plan. But Regina disagrees with the unstated plan for... no reason. Except the writers were like 'Oh, we'd better have her disagree here, since that's just what she does'. Yeah, no, guys. That was stupid. Hook and Emma flirt and drink rum, I approve. Rumple, meanwhile, is walking through the jungle when the creepy faceless doll falls on his head. He does what anyone confronted with a creepy, faceless, flying doll would do, and burns the damn thing. Pushing through the jungle again, he sees another doll. Oh dear. Finally, he gives up and tucks the doll in his jacket, since that seems to be what the island wants him to do. (Sentient island. Lost, anyone?)
Pan shows up while Emma is picking berries. He wants to call her a Lost Girl. Also, Henry apparently hasn't forgiven her for abandoning him, and by the time she finds him he'll never want to leave the island. Oh yeah, and Pan is going to kill Emma's parents. Charming runs behind a tree to examine the place where the arrow... yep, scratched and poisoned him. Seriously, did anyone not see that coming? Okay. Episode over. Time to go.