What were you doing eleven years ago? Because I was young and probably foolish, happy in my naive innocence of the world. Ah, me. The folks of Once Upon A Time, on the other hand, were... watching a ticking clock? The time is 8:15. What an auspicious hour. But wait. Someone is panting, and a man is giving encouraging advice. There's a nurse in a green cap and a guard at the door. A foot is shackled to a bed (that foot is like twice the size of mine. Why am I afflicted with tiny hands feet and ears? Does it make people take me more seriously? No. Does it make me look like a freaky woodland sprite with weird proportions? Pretty much, yeah.) and a hand is clutching a handle. The foot is in a stirrup and there are blue sheets over a pregnant belly, so obviously the panting chick is giving birth. The slow reveal for those of us who are incredibly unobservant comes to its conclusion and...
Surprise!
If you actually weren't expecting it to be Emma (Jennifer Morrison) then I'm concerned about where you've been for the past two seasons of this show. I mean really, who else do we know who was born eleven years ago and is still a relevant character? No one, that's who. Anyway, Emma gives one of those horrific birth-giving screams (and anyone who says men have a higher tolerance for pain has clearly never been in a maternity wing) and all the lights in the room flicker and die. No one really notices or cares, because Henry is born and he starts to cry. He's a well-behaved crying baby. I didn't cry when I was born, which meant I didn't breathe, either. I like to think I did it deliberately because my tiny baby self wanted to watch everybody rushing around in a panic and giggle at them. (I lived, by the way.) The doctor does the customary 'It's a beautiful boy' speech and Emma is offered the chance to change her mind and keep him. She's still convinced that she can't be a mother, but she cries a bit so we know she's conflicted. And man, that's a lot of mascara for a woman who is a) in jail and b) in labour. I mean, do they even give them mascara brushes in prison? Can't they be used as shanks or something?
In spite of her tearful after-birth declaration (no one should be allowed to make life decisions then, okay? She was so hormonal she probably couldn't have... I honestly am too tired to think of a good... I can't remember the word. Let this be a lesson to you. Don't stay up late. I've forgotten what the end of this sentence was going to be. Let's move on). Anyway, the handy words down the screen tell us that it is Present Day and we're picking up literally right where the last season left off - everyone is being tossed around on a pirate ship as they travel through a portal that is predominantly blue. Why is blue such a mysterious colour? Would it feel the same if it was, say, a yellow portal? Wait, my bad. The portal is blue because it is water, and they fly out of it and land on the sea under a full moon. What a magical Disney moment. Someone's going to burst into song any minute now, I feel it. Hook (Colin O'Donoghue) announces that we've found Neverland, and we get a nice back view of Emma's hair as we zoom away from the pirate ship. Her hair looks good, and also longer than it was at the end of last season. Oops. Cue title credits (sort of thingy) and today we see people either flying or doing weird air-swimming in the mysterious purple title forest. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you need to actually watch the previous seasons of this show before you read my recaps.
Henry (Jared Gilmore), that annoying dude and that annoying chick, neither of whom I like enough to remember their names, arrive on a beach. They're all soaking wet, from jumping into a portal in the harbour, I assume. Both of Henry's mums are going to be getting him back, so he threatens Whats-It and Widgit with certain doom. Whats-It... oh fine, his name is Greg... anyway, he points out to Henry that they're not in Kansas (or Storybrooke) anymore, just in case Henry didn't know how portals worked.
Uh, guys? I don't mean to alarm you, but I'm pretty sure I've grown at least 30 centimetres in the past few seconds. Do portals... do that?
I guess that's the trouble with starting a season where you left off and giving your child actors several months break. At least his voice hasn't broken - although it sounds kind of strained so maybe it has and he's faking it. Tamara tells him that he's in Neverland, and he's probably more excited than he is concerned, at this point. He doesn't know that Peter Pan (or Peter Pan's weird shadow) are creepy and evil. Greg and Tamara want to contact their employers, who gave them a toy radio. Oops. Greg gives a long speech about how they trust their employers, who look after them, and they don't ask any questions. Greg clearly has abandonment issues. Tamara doesn't look too sure about all this, but now she's stranded in a weird jungle with an emotionally unstable man-child and a child who's turning into a man at an alarmingly accelerated rate. Should have thought of that before you got a weird job destroying magic, shouldn't you?
Back on the pirate ship, Regina (Lana Parrilla) and Hook are having a conversation about their potential evil statuses and whether or not they will get happy endings. They're being deep and meaningful, so the camera politely pans down to Emma, who's looking forlorn. Charming (Josh Dallas) and Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin) wander over and try to comfort her, but honestly they were more parenty before they knew they were her parents, so they kind of fail. Also I you should know that I refuse to call them whatever their Storybrooke names are because I believe that should have stopped after the curse broke and find it a weird and annoying oversight that it didn't. Emma blames her mother for all of this, so clearly she's reverted to her sixteen-year-old self and we're going to have to deal with whiny teenage angst. Great.
Rumplestiltskin (Robert Carlyle) shows up in a weird coat, is rude to Emma and says he'll get Henry all by himself. No one can work out his motive for doing this, unless he plans to murder Henry on the island (some prophecy, etc, etc) and I'm not entirely sure how he's going to get to Neverland if he doesn't want to stay on the boat (swim?) or why he thinks that he's better without five extra people (and two extra magic users) or where this mysterious character change came from (because he was perfectly happy to be part of a team at the end of last season). In fact it all seems very annoying and contrived to make more drama. Sigh. Rumple says that Emma has no imagination, then teleports himself to Neverland with magic. Of course he does.
I'm so over that guy.
On the island, Greg lights a fire with his conveniently dry matches, even though Henry and Tamara still have dripping hair, and looks filled with rage at the mention of s'mores. He clearly has some deep, childhood hatred for tasty marshmellow-chocolate-biscuit things. Lost Boys emerge from the forest, reveal that they actually hired Greg and Tamara (ta da!) that no one will be destroying magic or going home, and they want Henry. Greg doesn't want to give Henry up until he can go home, but the creepy shadow swoops out of the sky (so... Peter died and his shadow wants revenge? The shadow ate Peter and needs a new body? Peter was possessed by the shadow and that was why he was such an asshat?) and rips Greg's shadow from his body. Greg's body seems to die and Tamara and Henry both run. Tamara gets shot with an arrow, and dies in an incredibly quick and completely bloodless way, so someone on the writing team doesn't really know how arrows kill you. (Either that or they still think this show is for children, despite the frequent references to one-night-stands.)
Running through the forest away from the Lost Boys, Henry trips just like every single character who has to run anywhere ever. I don't know about you, but I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've done a full face-plant while running. Yes, Henry's hands are tied, so that could mess up his balance. It's still a stupid cliche. Luckily, a mysterious hand grabs him and pulls him into the bushes before the Lost Boys run past. The hand belongs to a former Lost Boy who is now on the run. He cuts Henry's zip ties in about two seconds with a rock (as if) and they run off. I don't trust this guy. Just throwing it out there.
There's a gym inside the pirate ship (every good pirate ship has one) and Emma is doing some chin-ups. No, wait, it's not a gym, I think it's just her cabin. There's a random metal bar in the ceiling, that's perfectly normal. Hook wanders in. He flirts a little bit, and then gives her Neal/Baelfire's old sword. They drink some alcohol and toast to Neal. BAM, we see Neal (Michael Raymond-James)! How'd you like them apples? (Appes, segue, all the same to me.) I try to be open-minded and neutral, but seriously, it takes a couple of seconds for Neal to open his eyes and that's as long as I can be neutral for. I still just don't like him and his ridiculous faces at all.
What? Isn't this the face you make when you wake up?
Mulan (Jamie Chung) is standing over him and her hair is a zillion times longer too. Didn't they even try to have some semblance of continuity? Because it feels like someone just said 'screw it' and did whatever they wanted. She asks who he is, he says he's Neal. Informative. Aurora (Sarah Bolger) and Philip (Julian Morris - I don't like Philip much either) show up, and Aurora has also gained a lot of hair (and apparently a curling iron). And her hair's kind of red. It looks weird. Maybe it's just the light? She forcefeeds Neal water and he wants to know where he is. He's in the Enchanted Forest, which is another really unhelpful explanation. Neal wants to find Emma and Henry, and Aurora launches into an explanation about how she was once under a sleeping curse, Snow taught her how to control it and now she can walk the dreamworld and meet other people there. She could have just said, 'I talk to your son in my sleep'. Neal wants her to tell Emma he's alive and he loves her. I am not a fan of their pairing at all, it's nonsensical and the show pushes us into it way too hard. I shouldn't have to ship who the writers want me to ship!
Speaking of ships (that one was good, right? I thought it was good) Emma and Hook are still talking about Neal. Hook misses him too. Seriously? Nuh uh. Not even. I want Emma and Hook to be a thing, because they'd make a much better couple. The ship creaks ominously - it's probably falling apart. Up on deck, Snow and Charming are doing some of the worst joint steering I've ever seen. Regina wants to know what the hell they're doing, and seriously, so do I. This is shoddy work. Oh, but wait. The ship is being attacked. It's mermaids! Oh, the horror. The terror! They're swimming around and are quite clearly wearing bras. Like, actual bras. This makes me wonder... if they have the technology to make metal bras with hooks and clips, why not just make a shirt? Or a wetsuit? Why are all the mermaids female? How do they reproduce? Do they even need breasts? I mean if they're half fish... does that make them a placental marine mammal, like a whale, or do they lay little eggs? Are any of these questions going to be answered? ...Probably not. No show seems keen to delve deep into mermaid physiology. Wonder why? Anyway, Charming fires a tiny miniature cannon at the mermaids and achieves absolutely nothing, Emma and Snow catch one in a net (why?) and start hauling it up the side of the ship (why?) and achieve absolutely nothing too. Luckily Regina is there to be awesome and sensible, so she chucks handfuls of fire at the mermaids and they run away. Hang on. Don't they understand that they're underwater? Fail. The mermaid Emma and Snow caught for no reason is brought onboard and she makes a silly face. Okay then.
Henry and the suspicious ex-Lost Boy (to be known as XLB) are providing exposition. They call the shadow Pan, and he likes to kidnap little boys for unknown reasons. Pedo alert! XLB stole pixie dust to try and fly away, but it doesn't work. Probably because he isn't believing hard enough or something. Henry knows that his family are coming, and he has a lot of serious optimism. Yay! XLB thinks they should go to the Echo Caves, so they head on their way.
Shouldn't she want to sleep somewhere other than the place where she was trapped for 100 years?
Aurora is sleeping to try and contact other people who aren't actually sleeping. That's going to be a problem. I hope she isn't stuck there for too long. Neal tells Mulan there was a movie made about her, but doesn't elaborate because let's face it - it is a silly film. You think you like it because it's all about a strong woman finding her way and being defiant and stubborn and awesome, and then you realise that the end result of the entire film is her finding a boyfriend. Awkward. Besides, this Mulan is totally gay and totally in love with Aurora. (Oh yeah... that's another one of my weird Once Upon A Time ships. Forgot to mention that. Hopefully you're an open-minded enough reader that this isn't a problem for you, and if it is... well then I guess you're screwed. Sorry!) Aurora wakes up, but she couldn't make contact. Neal wants to go to his father's castle. He has to tell his new friends that his dad is Rumplestiltskin. Deal breaker?
I don't know, because we suddenly skip to Neverland again, where Rumple himself is striding through the forest. He's not being particularly subtle about it, so I guess the Lost Boys will find him soon. He stumbles across Tamara, who is still alive (my bad, guys) and still not bleeding (their bad). Rumple disappears the arrow and the blood (blood? what blood?) so that Tamara can tell him which way Henry went. Suddenly her accent is completely different! Uh, what? Anyway, she tells him which way Henry went and I bet that he puts the arrow back just to prove to all us viewers that he's evil and callous and cold-hearted. Does he? Okay, I was close. He pulls her heart out instead and crushes it, then wanders off to find Henry.
On the pirate ship, the mermaid looks like she should be working as a stripper/belly dancer/some weird combination of both. Don't they have mermaids in strip clubs? Or is that just sitcoms? Hook and Charming are completely immune to her half-naked charms and want her off the ship. Regina thinks they should keep her around and torture her to achieve... what, exactly? I missed that part. Is there any real reason they need a hostage mermaid? No? Oops. I like Regina and I don't like the mermaid, but that doesn't mean I condone unnecessary torture. The mermaid blows a conch horn and is incredibly annoying. She says they have to let her go or die.
Okay, so it's not just Rumple. I don't like anyone on this ship.
While walking through fields of sand, Mulan and Neal have another deep and meaningful conversation. This one's about love, and why Neal broke Emma's heart. I don't care because I think those two loving each other is a ridiculous character development that appeared spontaneously in about two minutes and makes me cross, so I'm not impressed. Mulan looks thoughtful.
We seem to be skipping around in very short bursts now. Henry and XLB are still charging through the forest, but a single (potentially stray) arrow is enough to convince Henry that the Lost Boys know where they are heading. They change direction, and Henry leads even though he has no idea where he is going. Oops.
On the boat, the mermaid is still being unbearably bratty. I really don't like her! I don't like her at all! I mean normally I'd have at least a grudging respect for a character who was all fish-out-of-water and still managed to summon a magical storm with her conch shell (oh yeah, that was what she did) but this one is just obnoxious and silly and very frustrating. Charming seems to agree, because he threatens her with his sword, but Snow and Emma look horrified at his violence. Oh, come on. Neither of them are particularly moral. Luckily Regina is on hand to be delightfully violent and cheerful. It's creepy, but it's so much nicer than the annoying gasping ladies in the background. Charming wimps out at the last moment and decides he's not a barbarian. The mermaid looks gleeful and the storm continues to try and sink their ship. Suddenly, Hook announces it's all okay because he's outrun hundreds of storms (why didn't he mention that earlier?) and he starts spinning his tiller and achieving absolutely nothing. I think it's worth pointing out that a real old-fashioned sailing ship would also need people to actually be manning the sails, especially in a storm. Oops.
The argument continues. Snow wants to free the mermaid, Regina wants to kill the mermaid, and the mermaid is happily promising that they will die either way. Uh, whose idea was it to catch a mermaid in a net anyway? Idiots. Regina gets bored of all the chat, and turns the mermaid into a gold statue. I'm tempted to say it served her right, but that's morally and empathically incorrect. Unfortunately I just really hate this character. Anyway, the storm gets worse, because there are impressionable children watching this and they need to know that murder is never the answer.
Seriously? Sigh.
So a giant wave appears, and they start sailing up it while Emma yells at Regina (including the pointless "What have you done?") and everyone hangs onto ropes which I'm sure are there for more than a good grip. It's okay, though, because Vikings sailed up giant waves just as giant as this all the time. Maybe someone should take the giant square sail in so that the mast doesn't snap. No? Okay then. Tons of water are dumped over everyone on board and it looks fun and dramatic. The music kind of reminds me of Inception.
Neal and Mulan are faring much better, because they've reached Rumple's castle already. Neal sticks his finger into a cup and tastes it (gross! You don't know what's been in there!) and then announces extremely loudly that they are not alone. Obviously summoned by his incredibly loud voice, a dude with a bow shows up and shoots an arrow past Neal's head. It was only a warning arrow, though, and then the chap introduces himself to Mulan as Robin Hood (his English accent is kind of suspicious, though) and when he learns that Neal is Rumple's son says that of course he can look around the incredibly dusty castle. Robin needs to hire a maid. Neal picks up his father's old cane, waves it around a bit (and nearly beheads his new friends) and a magical cloaking spell releases to reveal a door. It would only work for Rumple or his son, because the stick is enchanted like that. Cool.
On the ship, Hook and Emma are still struggling ineffectively with the tiller. Someone needs to explain that with all the sails up, this ship will go in the direction that the wind is blowing and ignore their tillering unless they cut across the wind, which is called tacking. If they're trying to sail in the opposite direction to the wind, they will have to a) take down the sails and b) row. Or they could just spin the tiller a bit, which seems to be their preferred option. Snow is rude to Regina, claiming it is all her fault. Regina points out that at least she took action, while everyone else was arguing and dilly-dallying. Snow punches her in the face for daring to try and save them all.
Call that a punch?
Regina is unimpressed and punches Snow right back. Charming starts heading towards them, but Hook grabs him and says he needs him at the mast. (Why was Charming standing so far away from the mast, then?) Hook also says to let them fight it out. Charming tells him not to call his wife... okay, either that was 'slut', which makes sense but should be too offensive for a children's show, or 'slag', which makes no sense at all (unless you're a pirate, I suppose). Charming punches Hook and everyone starts brawling, except Emma, who waves her tiller around a bit more. I suspect that she'll now save the day, to prove that, contrary to Rumpe's beliefs from earlier, she actually can achieve stuff occasionally. She suddenly realises that the fighting is causing the storm (aha) and yells at everyone to stop. Everyone ignores her. Emma wonders what she can possibly do to get their attention, and realises that her only option is to... jump into the sea? Awkward.
It works though, because her parents magically start paying attention to her. It was also kind of a dick move, since she just distracted her parents in their fights with a magic user and a dude with a hook. So, y'know, they could have both been killed in that moment of weakness (since no one else cares if Emma jumps overboard). I assume she was going to swim to the surface after she'd gotten their attention, but her plan goes horribly wrong, as a large pulley breaks off the ship and hits her in the head. Uh oh.
Naturally in the moment of crisis we skip back to Henry and XLB, who, probably because Henry the foreigner was leading, have run themselves onto a cliff.
Didn't think that one through.
Yeah, oops. Fortunately, Henry remembers that XLB has pixie dust, and he runs and throws himself off the cliff, carrying the other boy with him. Because Henry believes (he really is good at that) the pixie dust works, and they sort of fly upwards in a very ungainly, awkward fashion. Flying looks uncomfortable. They start towards the edge of the island and the sea. Hooray!
On that same sea (segue!) everyone is leaning over the side of the ship and yelling Emma's name. Not helpful. Charming realises this, and prepares to leap overboard after her. Hook stops him, tells him he's being an idiot, and makes him tie a rope around himself first. Thanks, Hook. Charming dives in and grabs Emma. The guys on the ship haul them in. Teamwork begins to stop the storm! If that's not a message to impressionable children then I don't know what is. They bring Emma on board, where instead of doing CPR or anything useful (like turning her on her side) her parents just stroke her cheek and whisper her name. Cute, but kind of useless. Emma manages to spew up water on her own (and still no one turns her on her side) and everyone is happy. Me too, because I like Emma. Yay! The moon appears, she's stopped the storm, and her first words are "I told you so." Okay, she left off the so. But close enough.
Rumple, who we haven't seen in a while, is having a chat with the leader of the Lost Boys. Exposition is provided (Rumple has been to Neverland before) and threats are made (Rumple and a lot of the Lost Boys will apparently die) and then the Lost Boy chucks a small voodoo doll (sort of) in a blue jacket and Rumple and he starts to cry. The Lost Boy mocks him for this and then wanders off, leaving Rumple kneeling on the ground behind him. I'd say the Lost Boy won this encounter.
At Rumple's castle, Neal grabs a crystal ball and makes a speech about how he spent his whole life running from magic and now it has to help him. It's anticlimatic, because the ball doesn't work. Mulan has to remind him to think of a person, rather than a place, and it's lucky she did, because when the crystal ball shows Emma, Neal quickly realises that she isn't in Storybrooke - she's in Neverland.
She is indeed, and so are Regina, Hook, Snow and Charming. Emma gives a long motivational speech about how they need to work together and be a team. Everyone argues like children, Emma is unimpressed. She says that they need everyone's individual skills working together to defeat Pan. Regina asks what Emma's skill is, and Emma says she's a mother. Ouch. I guess she forgot that of the three mothers on that beach, Regina is the only one who's actually raised a child from baby to eleven and done all the hard work herself.
Damn, she's an obnoxious bitch.
Now that Emma's done being rude and hurtful, she stomps off into the jungle and everyone follows her. Behind them, Henry and XLB soar over the treetops and land in a clearing. Wait, why did they land? Isn't the aim to get away from Neverland? Suddenly, XLB gets an evil look on his face. Called it! He reveals that he's actually Peter Pan, he's been looking for the heart of the truest believer (ooh, episode title) and he's found it in Henry. It's not quite clear whether he wants Henry himself or he just wants to eat Henry's heart. Either way, Henry is surrounded by Lost Boys and things look grim. Is that cliffhangy enough for you? Because that's where it ends. Thanks for coming along, chaps! See you next week.